(Editor’s Note: You may be wondering why a blog dedicated to providing information about insurance, personal income tax planning and preparation, and NYS Vehicle and Traffic Laws deals with “Cuddle Time. ” Trust me, you’ll get the ‘coverage’ connection. Well, I hope you do. Besides, who can’t use a good laugh now and then? Enjoy! – Eustace)
Guys, It’s Time To Be Honest About Cuddle Time
Men. Suddenly we’re turning 40, 50, or even 60 years of age, and we, well at least some of us, must make peace with a sad reality: What we once did three, four, maybe even five times a night with gusto, flair, and concerns only about our own satisfaction, we now happily enjoy with true shared intimacy maybe three really good times each month.
With ample time in between for rest, recovery, reflection, relief, and many prayers of thanks to whichever Creator we worship that our efforts didn’t leave us in need of skilled nursing care.
But with this new reality, we also come to realize we always seem a step behind, a step too slow, just missing the boat, singing off-key, or didn’t set the hook fast enough. And now, we’ve gone and lost the big one – cuddle time.
Why is it when men of a certain age finally discover the power of the cuddle, (and yes, there is power in “The Cuddle”), their wives no longer need them for body heat?
And what vile, heinous, and foul construct stole our spouses and lovers affections, well, in some cases tolerance, you ask?
None other than the electric blanket.
That’s right. The electric blanket.
America is not the Great Satan, and sorry Theo Epstein and Boston Red Sox nation, the New York Yankees are not the true Evil Empire. No my friends, it’s the electric blanket manufacturers of the world who are creating all the problems for us men. That’s right electric blanket manufacturers, I’m talking to you, I’m calling you out, you and your evil intimacy-destroying creations.
Oh, The Humanity!
Just imagine the workers who assemble these cuddle time-destroying creations. I’ve heard tales of women line workers raucously laughing, knowing yet another member of their sisterhood will sleep in vengeful comfort, while their male counterparts weep bitter tears at their plight, forced to assisting in the birthing of these heat-destroying engines of destruction of the last bastions of male joy and happiness.
All the Viagra and Cialis in the world cannot convince a woman enjoying the sweet, moist warmth of a Turbo 2000 Sweet Heat model to turn it off and let her husband turn her on. No, after years of neglecting her needs for truly emotional attention and connection, and too many half-hearted or failed attempts at, umm, humor, she’s gone and found a new electric lover which gives her the full cuddly body warmth she used to beg for. Now she plugs it in the wall, spins the dial to the desired level of warmth and voilà!, she doesn’t need her man anymore. And her comfort cover doesn’t complain about the texture of her dragon feet or her talon-like toenails.
And what’s really terrible is we are paying the electric utility bill for her guilty, guilty, sweet heat pleasure.
So, do we pin our hopes on these soft and fuzzy destroyers of our remaining years of true intimacy constantly tripping the circuit breakers? Do we bring offerings to Al Gore begging him to declare them creatures of evil, possessing incontrovertible carbon footprints? Will this make wives and girlfriends repentant for their love of deviant coverage, even as they shed tears of sadness while packing their electric blankets away for the purpose of creating a more sustainable planet?
Oh yeah, that would work for me. And let’s tell the truth, it would work for a bunch of you guys too.
What About The Dragon Feet?
Is there a downside to our prayers? Yes, for once we win the recall of the accursed cuddle time-destroying covers, or our darlings sadly pack them away forever, our “on” switch must always be primed for dial-up.
Always on. Dialed up to whatever setting she wants. Be it cuddle, muddle, or just befuddled. #Cuddle Time Joy!
Even if she’s got dragon feet with talons for toenails.
Eustace L. Greaves Jr., is a Brooklyn-based business owner who provides his clients with integrated insurance, and income tax solutions and strategies. He is the author of BrooklynCovered.com and would really appreciate your subscribing to this blog, and sharing it with your social media families.