Tax Refund Memo To All Taxpayers
Dear (Taxpayer, please insert your name here):
Enclosed is your income tax refund of $ (Please fill in your normal annual refund).
Thank you for giving us more money during this last year than you were required to. Because of your financial laziness, oops, we mean kindness, we were able to combine your refund and the pending income tax refunds of millions of your fellow citizens to make loans. We lent money to countries that may or may not pay us back. We even used some of the money to feed people in other countries who hate our way of life, especially since we ‘allow’ women the sacred rights of driving a car, or going for a walk by themselves. Let’s not even talk about the right to vote. We provided funds to banks thought to be too big to fail. That’s right, the same banks that charge you all of those ridiculous fees if you don’t have a certain balance in your savings account. If you can afford to have a savings account. And don’t you dare be late with your credit card payments!
Especially pleasing to us is our ability to offer guaranteed rates of interest to those who, by not allowing us to keep their refunds for up to 15 months, watch their Treasury notes, bills and bonds investments grow. And don’t forget about the foreign investors who are buying Treasuries like ice cream on a hot summer day. Of course you can’t buy those investments since once you get your hot little hands on your refund, you dash to the stores for technology you don’t understand but must have because it’s new, shoes designed to destroy women’s ankles, knees, and reproductive organs just because they make you look good, and cars you can’t afford to maintain, much less pay the insurance for. Just to name a few. So what if you purchase things that really don’t make a significant difference in your life? Heck, they’re shiny and new, and isn’t that all that matters!? So what if you have trouble meeting the rent sometimes, you’re late on a credit card payment or two, or you’ll never save the down payment for the house you dream about. Don’t worry about it. Just keep getting those refunds.
And don’t listen to people like Eustace Greaves Jr. He’s got a big mouth. If it was up to him, you’d employ perfectly legal tax planning methods to bring your future money into the present. Then, you could use what is essentially your money work toward realizing the lifestyle you’ve always imagined. Being able to save, invest, and actually accomplish the important things in life, things that matter, like getting a home of your own, enjoying a secure retirement, having more liquid cash, or sending your children to the college of their choice and ability. What’s Greaves’ motto? “No income tax refund is a good income tax refund!!” Who died and made him king?
But hey, we’re not worried. We know income tax refunds turn you on more than watching your team playing in the Super Bowl every year. (That is, unless the big-screen TV you bought with borrowed money was repossessed. You didn’t have the money to pay the note. Doesn’t matter, you can’t pay the electric bill until you get your refund, anyway.) We know you’ll continue listening to us. So just keep doing what you’re doing and we’ll keep mailing those refund checks.
Thanks, and keep the excess money coming. Don’t worry, we’ll send it back eventually.
“An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.”